The title of this blog post was taken directly from a journal entry in May of 2012, after describing a particularly large daytime movie/food binge. Most of my binging occurred at night before bed because that way I didn’t have to deal with the physical consequences as much (because I would sleep them off). But, occasionally, I had daytime binges by myself while my husband was at work. Sometimes I told myself it would be a good strategy to binge during the day – if I did that, then I wouldn’t need to binge at night. I called this the “pre-emptive strike,” and sometimes it worked. Many times it didn’t. It sounds really ridiculous as a strategy, but I was desperate to get out of my nightly binge routine and would try anything to break the habit (even if it was simply moving the binge to an earlier time of day).
Anyway, the reason I’m telling this story is that the sentence above really stood out to me when I was recently skimming old journal entries. I thought, it kind of implies that I should be feeling worse, perhaps even that I wanted to feel worse. Did I deliberately want to feel worse? Sometimes, no – sometimes I was truly seeking comfort in food – in the only way I knew how, at that time, and I wanted to feel better. But sometimes, yes, I was so desperate to break this habit that I intentionally tried to make myself feel as awful as possible, in hopes that it would make me change. I thought maybe I could force myself to have a rock-bottom moment! So, sometimes I would eat with the intention of trying to be sick, trying to feel as awful as possible, in the hopes that it would FINALLY make me stop. And each time, I thought this is it, this is my rock bottom, I’m done with this. But the next day or the next week, I would find out I’m not really done, and the cycle would begin again. How messed up is that – trying to force a miserable rock-bottom moment?
Obviously, this didn’t work. After more than a year of this, I finally realized that I couldn’t force this. I couldn’t force myself to stop binging overnight – I couldn’t say “Day 1 of never binging again.” I couldn’t force myself to stop gaining weight or to start losing. I couldn’t force myself to eat healthy or to BE healthy. I couldn’t force myself to beat this eating disorder through willpower. I had assumed that because I stopped smoking that way (cold turkey), that I could do the same with binging. But it wasn’t meant to be. I had to start SLOW and start over – this meant totally re-establishing my relationship with my body and with food very gradually. I had to accept that this was going to take a while, and I might not stop binging immediately, and I wasn’t going to be perfect at it. This was a totally new way of thinking to me (especially letting go of some of the perfectionism), but I realized that I had to try – because nothing else had worked. I needed to stop treating recovery like a diet. Well, guess what? It worked – I don’t binge anymore, and I don’t even want to. I’m becoming more and more free of ED every day. Although still evolving, my relationship with food and with my body is better than ever, and it’s the most amazing feeling. I never thought it was possible to not be obsessed with food, but it is. And it happened because I simply allowed it to happen – rather than trying to force change.
Have you ever tried to force yourself to hit rock bottom? Have you struggled with the perfectionist, all-or-nothing diet mentality that is often at the core of ED?