When I think about recovering from BED or losing weight, this question sometimes haunts me – but if I do that, what will I think about? Of course, obsessive thinking about food, weight, and other things can feel overwhelming and can literally ruin our lives. The idea of breaking free of those thoughts should make us so happy and ready to change! Right?
Well, not always. Certainly not in my case. I think I’ve spent so much time with unhealthy obsessions and self-defeating thinking that I really don’t know any other way to think. I don’t know what peace feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to embrace life without the tainted lens of eating disorders, depression or anxiety. I know that it must be better, right? I am almost certain that it will be better – in my recovery journey, I’ve begun to have some glimpses of this peace and newfound passion for life – but I’m just … scared. Yeah, that’s it. Even if I could have this wonderful, happy future, I think I’d still be scared because I am uncomfortable with uncertainty – and the future is just never certain. That’s just how it is.
So, I’ve decided to begin living my life – no more letting ED keep me in this mental prison! I’m going to start by attempting to addressing the important question above: what will I think about, when the ED thoughts are completely gone? Though I’ve stopped binging, there’s still something keeping me tied to ED thoughts sometimes – or, should I say, a lack of something. I need to start by examining my life outside of ED – am I truly happy and satisfied? I think the answer must be no, because I think if I had a full, satisfying life, there would be no room for ED. And the truth is, despite having many of the comforts and joys of life, I’ve known for a while that something is missing. So … I need to explore my passions and interests – whether it be finding new ones or reviving old ones. I’ve known for quite a while that this is essential, but I’ve always felt intimidating and overwhelmed at the idea of exploring my interests and trying new things. But it’s time. I am going to try!
Where has this thinking led me? I’ve got a number ideas, but the biggest one right now is that I’m thinking about buying a piano. I used to love playing as a child, but I stopped after high school. Whenever I think about wanting a piano, I start to think negative thoughts (I can’t really afford it, our apartment is way too small, I won’t have time to play, and endless other excuses), but I hereby declare that I’m going to find a way to make it happen! Why? Because I’ve come to realize that my recovery crucially depends on finding out who I am and what I really love! And I am 100% committed to recovery – to achieving the health and happiness and peace that I deserve.
What is holding you back from recovery? Do you ever worry about what will occupy your mind once the ED thoughts are gone?