Hi there. This blog is kind of a continuation of my post from last November, where I discussed my struggles and insights about recovery and pregnancy.
I want to apologize, first of all, for going quiet on the blog. I do miss blogging, but life has just been … well, crazy, as I said. At this point, I’m 36 weeks pregnant (with all the discomforts that come along with that) and only 5 days away from moving into my first home. Yep, my husband and I bought a house! It’s pretty exciting, but it’s also been quite stressful … particularly with the pregnancy making just about everything more difficult.
It is really quite terrifying to consider how I’ll handle all these changes (did I mention I’ll also be re-starting graduate school in the fall while still working full time and raising a little baby?). But I’m trying to think of it as exciting, and I’m trying to be grateful to have these wonderful things, people, and opportunities in my life. When things get tough, gratitude can go a long way in helping us to stop and appreciate rather than sink into a pit of despair or anxiety!
I realize I’m rambling. Sorry. Blame it on pregnancy brain?! 😉
I do have one recovery-related experience to share with you. Last night, while I was packing up my bedroom, I had to sort through a closet full of clothes, including some that are way, way, way too small. (I probably should have put them away a long time ago, but they were hidden in the back, so I had mostly forgotten about them). Many of those teeny tiny clothes I might never fit again, and sometimes that’s hard to accept, even though I’m generally happier and healthier where I am now. The experience was both emotionally and physically draining (when you’re 36 weeks pregnant, everything is physically draining).
But it was an important step. The good news is that I didn’t have any crazy binge or diet urges. The bad news is that I felt sad … but maybe that doesn’t have to be bad news. Maybe it’s good that I allowed myself to feel those feelings, even sadness, which has always been one of the toughest emotions for me. Today, having a little time to reflect, I realize it was good for me, maybe even cathartic in some ways. It’s OK to say goodbye, to let go of things in the past that no longer work for me. And it’s not just about clothes (I don’t even care about clothes that much). I’m also saying goodbye to this apartment where I’ve lived for my almost 5 years of marriage, and most importantly, I’m saying goodbye to my life without children. That’s a scary thing for me, for so many reasons. But it’s OK to say goodbye, and it’s OK to let go. And it’s even OK to feel sad. As long as I don’t run away from my feelings or try to bury them in food, I’ll be OK. That is what recovery is to me. Feeling, living, accepting, and changing. I suspect I’ll have many, many opportunities to practice those in the near future. 🙂
Thanks for reading, as always. And I’d love to hear how you’re doing!!