I don’t talk about weight and weight loss on the blog very much, because I firmly believe in putting weight loss on the backburner in the early part of recovery, at least until you have a few months binge-free under your belt. But for those of us facing health or mobility problems related to our weight, it is something we have to address eventually. And it’s really tricky, because by this point, we have figured out that “dieting” leads to binging, but how do you lose weight without dieting? It’s not impossible, but I think it’s a difficult subject – and it probably varies a great deal from person to person, so I’m not going to give specific advice on how to lose weight.
So … after quitting binging last summer, I had finally started to release some of the weight I had gained (I had gone from “normal” to “obese” in less than a year), but it’s happened soooo slowly, almost as if my body and mind seemed reluctant to let it go. Yesterday, I realized that maybe I needed to say “goodbye.”
You see, I’ve already made peace with the weight gain many times in the last year, and I have chosen to accept and love my body as it is … and even to be GRATEFUL for the weight gain, for forcing me to change so many things in myself and in my life, for the better. I’ve definitely become a better person since having BED (and gaining weight in the process). I now view binging and rapid weight gain as a GIFT, because it can help us realize the areas of our lives or inner selves that desperately need help. These steps of acceptance and gratitude helped immensely in quitting binging!
However … despite the body acceptance and gratitude, I felt like there was still some hesitation or fear or something holding me back from returning to a healthier weight. I realized yesterday that I need to say goodbye and be ready to let go. I don’t “let go” of anything easily, good or bad, and that’s always been difficult for me. So I think this is crucial.
So, I talked to my husband about it, and I did some journaling about these thoughts and feelings of letting go and saying goodbye to the extra weight. I’m still not even certain of the reason for this hesitation, but I did my best to explore the possibilities in my journal. And I’m going to do something I never do – I’m going to share a raw, unedited excerpt from my journal. Here it is.
I realized there’s still a part of me that’s hesitant (or scared? not sure) to lose the weight. I’m not 100% sure what that’s about, but I think I need to formally say goodbye to the extra weight. Am I ready to give it up, truly? It has served me well in some ways, despite how difficult it’s been to see myself become obese … it’s taught me so much about myself and made me change for the better, in so many ways, and I would never have done that without the weight gain. So, in a way, I owe it a lot. Maybe it’s even been protecting me from something. Maybe I’m hesitant to let go of it because I think I want to be loved at any size, and being heavy showed me that I can be. Maybe I feel like I’m betraying the BED/ED/HAES communities. Maybe I’m just scared of what comes next – after losing the weight, it’s time to get serious about starting a family! In any case, I think I’m done with it – the extra weight has served a purpose, but I no longer need it. I need to be ready to say goodbye, despite any lingering reluctance or hesitation. It’s time. I’m ready to move forward and be healthier and use this body to bear a healthy child and serve me better physically, in running and in everything else. The body that I have is wonderful, but I’m ready to release the extra weight that is no longer serving me. I have learned so much because of becoming obese. Soooo, so much. And I’m grateful. But there’s always a time to let go. And that time is now!
After journaling, an amazing thing happened. I was going about my day, folding laundry, and I suddenly noticed that I felt this powerful sense of calm and serenity that I rarely feel!
I think this means I’m ready. Ready to return to a healthier weight – and ready to say goodbye to any lingering parts of ED. I don’t expect everything to be perfect from now on, but I feel like this is a really significant step in my recovery journey.
What is holding you back in your recovery journey?