Life without BED … what will I think about?

When I think about recovering from BED or losing weight, this question sometimes haunts me – but if I do that, what will I think about? Of course, obsessive thinking about food, weight, and other things can feel overwhelming and can literally ruin our lives. The idea of breaking free of those thoughts should make us so happy and ready to change! Right?

Well, not always. Certainly not in my case. I think I’ve spent so much time with unhealthy obsessions and self-defeating thinking that I really don’t know any other way to think. I don’t know what peace feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to embrace life without the tainted lens of eating disorders, depression or anxiety. I know that it must be better, right? I am almost certain that it will be better – in my recovery journey, I’ve begun to have some glimpses of this peace and newfound passion for life – but I’m just … scared. Yeah, that’s it. Even if I could have this wonderful, happy future, I think I’d still be scared because I am uncomfortable with uncertainty – and the future is just never certain. That’s just how it is.

So, I’ve decided to begin living my life – no more letting ED keep me in this mental prison! I’m going to start by attempting to addressing the important question above: what will I think about, when the ED thoughts are completely gone? Though I’ve stopped binging, there’s still something keeping me tied to ED thoughts sometimes – or, should I say, a lack of something. I need to start by examining my life outside of ED – am I truly happy and satisfied? I think the answer must be no, because I think if I had a full, satisfying life, there would be no room for ED. And the truth is, despite having many of the comforts and joys of life, I’ve known for a while that something is missing. So … I need to explore my passions and interests – whether it be finding new ones or reviving old ones. I’ve known for quite a while that this is essential, but I’ve always felt intimidating and overwhelmed at the idea of exploring my interests and trying new things. But it’s time. I am going to try!

Where has this thinking led me? I’ve got a number ideas, but the biggest one right now is that I’m thinking about buying a piano. I used to love playing as a child, but I stopped after high school. Whenever I think about wanting a piano, I start to think negative thoughts (I can’t really afford it, our apartment is way too small, I won’t have time to play, and endless other excuses), but I hereby declare that I’m going to find a way to make it happen! Why? Because I’ve come to realize that my recovery crucially depends on finding out who I am and what I really love! And I am 100% committed to recovery – to achieving the health and happiness and peace that I deserve.

What is holding you back from recovery? Do you ever worry about what will occupy your mind once the ED thoughts are gone?

8 thoughts on “Life without BED … what will I think about?

  1. Hi, I love your blog!!! It really made me think! I don’t know what is holding me back actually. I know I have a hard time with my feelings and all that.I can also relate to feeling like food and dieting are all I think about, so maybe that is my problem. I feel inspired to finally do something about this. Thank you! I’ll definately be back!

    • Hi Mandy, thanks for reading! I know sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what is holding us back. And it could be a number of different things! I think you’re right to suspect that your feelings may play a big role in this. Whatever it is, I have confidence that you’ll find it. Go us!! 🙂

  2. You are so right! I am dealing with the same thoughts, especially about the uncertainty of the future. My life is in such a transition period right now, and I tend to survive by living 5 years in the future, when everything will be “just right” (I’ll be married, a law school graduate, living far away from this city that I don’t enjoy living in, with a good career and with plans for starting a family soon).

    Thanks for reminding me to try to figure out what I could do to make life happy NOW. I need to figure it out, because the future is not guaranteed anyway.

    I feel like for me, I used the ED thoughts as an excuse to not be happy, and now I’m using other things as excuses to not be happy. Like before, it was “Once I’m thin, I’ll be happy” and now it’s “once I get out of this situation, I’ll be happy”. Hmmm… Thanks for making me think.

    • I’ve always thought that way too, always living for the future. And I still do! But if I look around me, I have to say the present is pretty cool, right? My life is full of great things, great people, great opportunities … I just need to change my outlook to one of appreciation that is rooted in the present. 🙂

  3. I enjoyed reading your blog so far, I too suffer fromBED……………..have for many years,most of mine is bingeing after supper………….need to find a way to stop.will certainly be back!

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